Ranking summer 2013 movies
It is now time to present this blog with yet another list, this time summarizing and ranking from worst to best the 12 movies I’ve seen and reviewed in summer 2013. Even though it’s still technically summer, we all know the real summer died a week or two ago when school started up again, bringing an unfortunate end to a season of films which was actually pretty decent overall. I almost got through the whole thing without seeing any fiery train wrecks. Almost.
The list includes movies I’ve seen since my summer began about halfway through May up until it ended about two weeks ago. Getaway will not be included on this list, just because I don’t want to think about it right now. Don’t worry, it will definitely be on the fall-winter list in last place.
Participants include, in the order I saw them:
- Star Trek: Into Darkness
- Now You See Me
- This Is The End
- Man of Steel
- Monsters University
- Despicable Me 2
- Pacific Rim
- The Conjuring
- The Wolverine
- Kick-Ass 2
- You’re Next
Make sure your seat belts are buckled kids, this is going to get insane. As always, click the titles and pictures to read the full review.
Thisclose. I was thisclose to getting through the summer without crossing the hazardous, crisscrossing tracks on which summer train wrecks hurtle themselves down. I dodged wayward shrapnel branded with titles such as “After Earth,” “RIPD,” and “Paranoia,” yet in my last film outing at my hometown, one final, lagging projectile displaying Jim Carrey’s grim face lodged itself in the back of my head. It killed me instantly.
Hearing the wheels shrieking against the iron tracks and seeing the friction-induced sparks, Jim Carrey closed his eyes and dove out of the passenger car located near the front of the train, managing to save his own skin. Chloe Grace Moretz, clad in her purple wig and mask, could do nothing but watch enviously and hope the train takes her to her stop at Hollywood this October, where she will restore her star status with the help of upcoming horror remake Carrie.
Other than them, there were no survivors.
Probably the very last thing college students needed was a sequel to a treasured childhood film, updated so that the characters lived in a college setting. As a college student I can say it’s the worst thing that could have happened to us as a group.
This movie probably doesn’t deserve to be this low on the list because it’s the idea of the movie I hate, not the actual movie itself. However, the actual movie was pretty underwhelming, and anything short of excellence was, in my absolutely professional opinion, unjustifiable.
I feel like Monsters University as an actual school would be like a community college people only go to if they have no other choice.
Now you see my potential, but now look! IT’S GONE. How’d they do that? No, really. The film had a massive cast of respectable actors, an original and intriguing concept, and opportunities for thrilling special effects out the wazoo.
Okay so I couldn’t come up with any more magic puns so I gave my laptop to my idiot cool roommate and he wrote this:
Now You See Me should’ve used some of the magic in the movie to steal money from the audience. Oh wait, they did. I felt like Jesse Eisenburg magically took the money from my wallet by making me watch this horrific flick.
The new best paragraph ever posted on this site to be honest. He’s taking over.
He actually isn’t taking over.
Elysium could have been great but didn’t really stand out in any way at all, except we finally got to see what Matt Damon’s scalp looks like. With that matter settled, everything else about the movie felt underwhelming in comparison. With the release of Oblivion earlier this year (pretty much the same movie except Tom Cruise had hair) the similarities between the two movies were as bad as Olympus Has Fallen/White House Down.
Also the movie is apparently really racist somehow, so we might as well just shun it into oblivion now.
The Wolverine was as needed by superhero movie fans as Monsters University was needed by college kids. This is the second time Hugh Jackman played Logan the Destroyer in a film outside of the main X-Men series, a superhero franchise that has somehow created 5 or 6 installments with no clear linear story.
The film also serves as an early release prequel to Marvel’s brand new superhero fighting squad The Exhausters, whose goal is to put crime to sleep while audiences continue to throw money at anything that resembles a super power without fatigue. The series will star 30 of your favorite actors and produce about one full-length spin off every 5 days. The series will also merge with The Avengers, X-Men, and the Justice League every two years to create America’s New Most Important Thing, a $500,000,000,000 plotless explosion of superstars fighting each other amidst amazing sequences of 5D graphics. Popular!
Confusingly enough, Hugh Jackman will not continue to play The Wolverine in the new series – reports indicate Ben Affleck will take over the role.
Next up is You’re Next, which I probably would have skipped if it wasn’t so pushy (not my best). I remember this movie being funnier than it was scary. I wish it had capitalized on its humor more, because as a horror it was kind of a flop in my opinion.
I actually think I’ve become broken to the horror genre. Look at every single one of my horror reviews in the past few months and they all say the movie wasn’t too scary. I guess I’m so used to seeing bloody corpses everywhere because my roommate is a serial killer that the thrill is gone. Maybe forever.
How hyped were we for this movie? Real question. I know I was irrationally excited for this but I seem to remember pre-release expectations being as lukewarm as the reviews it received. I was wrong and everyone else was correct. Watching this thing, I felt a detached satisfaction, like all of my excitement paid off and what I was watching was worth the wait. After leaving the theater, I didn’t think of the movie once until a few days later when I was like “Oh I guess I should review… that.”
“This isn’t an S,” Superman says, wickedly grinning down at an expectant Lois Lane. “On my home planet, it’s a symbol that means FLOP.”
I guess it wasn’t that bad. Well, until they announced Ben Affleck would be taking over the role of Superman in the sequel.
I didn’t think this one was too scary. I enjoyed it more as just a film than I did as a horror. It should have absolutely terrified me because my house was actually haunted during the time I saw this movie, but if anything it only made me neutral to a demon’s existence in my own bedroom. The movie was also very influential at its time of release, as it served as the perfect metaphor for what Amanda Bynes was going through at the time (she’s in a mental hospital right now if any of you were wondering. No?).
Even though it’s only fourth I would consider this the surprise of the summer for me because I expected to hate it but then I, like, didn’t. My inner child and innermost Minion could not resist how stupidly perfect it was.
I still think this would be an amazing ongoing cartoon instead of a movie series, as long as Nickelodeon didn’t manage it and they somehow got Steve Carrel and Kristen Wiig to do the voices. What about a live action show on FOX or something instead? Think about it.
Trekking to the theater on planet Regaleus I came to the realization I had no prior experience in the galaxy of space travel film that didn’t take place in a galaxy far far away. Nevertheless I wanted to make this voyage because the pink trees in the commercial reminded my of Candyland.
I’m glad my rocket ship took me far from Candyland and hurtled me into the darkest corner of the universe alongside Captain Kirk. This scene where Kirk and Benedict Cumberbatch launch themselves into deep space with no protection besides a spacesuit is probably the in the top three best action scene I’ve seen this summer (behind Iron Man 3’s politician monkeys in a barrel, though the two scenes are actually kind of similar). Trek Into Beautiful.
Which brings us to my two favorite movies of the summer: Pacific Rim and This Is The End. Were the Jaegers able to overcome the comedian-guzzling aliens, or is this the end for Pacific Rim? One thing is for sure, this list has too many puns.
1. Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
So I never actually saw this movie but it’s ranked as a joint number one because everyone hates it and makes fun of it but the books are amazing and you guys just need to leave it alone. Just knock it off.
I didn’t really expect to laugh at this because I don’t even like comedy, or laughing. Smiling feels weird to me. But this was such a goodun. If you ever lose faith in any of these actors go back and watch this and your faith in them will automatically restore itself. I had to do this after the James Franco roast.
In all honestly I don’t think any scene of any film has as emotionally touched me this summer as the climax of this one did. I didn’t have tears in my eyes but I would understand if other people did. I still hate jokes, but this movie was amazing anyway.
Watching someone play this Chinese video game on the big screen made me realize several things. One, China does video games than us here in the land of the loading times. Two, China is most certainly going to surpass Hollywood as the world’s central film powerhouse within the next decade (research it because I’m actually not kidding). And three, this movie was the best and was amazing, the end.
I guess right now I’m writing to my legions of Asian readers because literally no one in America saw this. I might move to China because they obviously have better taste and I bet they won’t release incredibly racist films like Elysium there. Everything about this film, both in design and box office performance, was wonderfully Chinese.
Oh, and some of the battle sequences in here were the ones I mentioned earlier being better than Star Trek and Iron Man 3. The entire movie is one long amazing action scene. So good. I’m glad the Pearl had a poster advertising it almost a year before it came out so I thought it would be good after looking at it for so long.
For my Asians readers who don’t fully understand English yet (not that many American readers fully understand English either):
12. Kick-Ass 2
11. Monsters University
10. Now You See Me
8. The Wolverine
7. You’re Next
6. Man of FLOPteel
5. The Conjuring
4. Despicable Me 2
3. Star Trek: Into Darkness
2. This Is The End
1. Pacific Rim
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