Ranking winter-spring 2013 movies (the bottom half)


Ranking winter-spring 2013 movies

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It’s that special time of year again where I rank all the movies I’ve seen in the past few months from my least favorite to favorite. While my reviews are mostly objective (emphasis on mostly) these lists are more subjective to my personal opinions, and since my opinions usually piss everyone off you’ll probably ragequit reading this about halfway through.

Overall 2013 sucks so far movie-wise but the first four months are notorious for having crappy movies every year. People don’t start paying attention until May. Here’s the whopping list of movies I’ve seen, in the order I saw and reviewed them:

  • Silver Linings Playbook (poor guy, got left out of the 2012 ranking list with his much superior 2012 film friends. I didn’t see it until 2013 though.)
  • Movie 43
  • Warm Bodies
  • Side Effects
  • Safe Haven…
  • Dark Skies
  • The Last Exorcism Part II
  • Oz the Great and Powerful
  • The Croods
  • Spring Breakers
  • Evil Dead
  • 42
  • The Purge (summer 2013 movie)
  • Oblivion
  • Iron Man 3
  • The Great Gatsby

Okay, that’s a whopping 16 movies. Because there’s so many, I’m splitting the ranking into two posts – the movies I would actually want to watch in my life ever again, and the ones that didn’t make the cut for the first list. Today’s list is the latter. Unfortunately for you and me, I’d only want to see 6 of these movies ever again, and I’ll rank those tomorrow*. Today we rank the lower 10, starting with the least offensive and working our way down to the two worst movies I’ve ever seen in theaters. Sorry to pull a Star Wars and start from middle.

Kristen Stewart sucks! (Sorry, it’s just that these lists usually make fun of her, but this time she didn’t have any movies. I had to squeeze her in somewhere.)

Here we go. Click the title and picture to read my full review.

7. Oblivion

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Starting the bad movie list, but still ranked in the overall top half, is the harmless digital beaut Oblivion. I actually liked this movie a lot more than I gave credit for in my review. Overall I’d say it’s a total rental. I had trouble deciding whether to put this on the good movie list or not, but then I looked out to the universe one starry night and the choice seemed so insignificant compared to the grand scheme of things. And it doesn’t matter anyway because no matter what I decide, we are all going to continue to scratch and claw day by day just to survive until we inevitably die alone and

8. 42

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Though much improved from a certain other movie titled after a 40-something number, I still have a hard time caring about 42. Reviews for this ranged from the best sports movie in years to Lifetime original movie, and I kind of agree with the second. Correct me if I’m wrong, but the seven basic plots of Lifetime movies include dramatic pregnancies in inconvenient times and young plucky heroes overcoming vast odds during a cheesy victorious montage finale, right? 42 checks ‘em both.

9. Dark Skies

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I actually forgot this existed and you never knew it existed in the first place so no reason to linger. As far as horror movies go it was completely average (which, considering some of the horror movies I’ve seen this year, is way above average).

10. Oz the Great and Powerful

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Oh, this one. This thing is worth watching just because of how pretty Oz is. I’m not sure if it’ll be worth it though on anything less than a gigantic movie screen. I’d try it anyway! Even after Oblivion and Gatsby I’d still say Oz holds the title for prettiest face.

You know who else has a pretty face? The Wicked Witch of the West. That stupid witch could model for Victoria’s Secret or Neutrogena or something with her flawless complexion (if we ignore her evergreen skin tone, which I guess could be marketed as pro-diversity or something). These compliments come from wicked intentions, however; curse whoever decided to make the Wicked Witch not ugly. Was it you, James Franco? No, he messed up the movie enough by himself.

11. The Croods

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I would hang out with the Croods (if only to meet Emma Stone and Nicholas Cage’s forehead). Their movie sucked as much as Nicholas Cage’s forehead, though. My review was basically just me begging Dreamworks not to make sequel, because they always do that to their movies, and they’re always terrible. A few weeks later, a sequel was announced. Thank you all for giving me my privacy during that difficult time.

12. Side Effects

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The cinematic equivalent to Zzzquil, Side Effects is the most boring movie on this list. It’s good. The plot twists are awesome. But honestly even if it wasn’t a movie about medicine I would still compare it to sleep aid. It might be good to watch on TV while you’re doing something else as well, just to make sure you don’t fall asleep. Now that I’m thinking of that, that’s probably the way the movie was meant to be watched. Hmm, it might be pretty good that way.

The list gets pretty rough after this.

13. Spring Breakers

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Oh good, I was just getting worried I wouldn’t be able to make a boob joke this list. 

Selener Gomez, listen girl. Come a little closer. I have to tell you something. Don’t be shy. Come & Get It. Just kidding, that’s the name of your song (which is somehow charting in the Billboard top 10 right now). Come on, I have something important to tell you about your role in this movie. You ready? Okay. Spring break. Spring break. Spring breaaak! Spring breeeak. Spring breeeaaak. Spr

–       James Franco. Oz himself, everybody

14. Safe Haven…

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I gave Safe Haven a pretty good review. That, my friends, was the joke. Honestly I could screencap a few tweets about this movie that have made their way into my twitter feed and those could be my entire blurb. White girls be like, “Safe Haven makes me believe in love again #blessed” or “still waiting for my #JoshDuhamel #yoloswag #fitness #positivechange” or something equally dreadful. 

I can’t tell if Safe Haven is yoloswag or post-yoloswag. Either way its existence, just annoys me. There’s so much to rant about with this one, probably more than the bottom two movies on this list.

But the best thing to do in this situation is to leave Safe Haven alone and move on to the two worst movies I’ve ever seen in theaters. Both are mind numbing, but there can only be one ultimate loser. The movie not significant enough to be called the worst is…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

spring break boobs! YES!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15. The Last Exorcism Part II

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I think that, objectively, this is among the worst movies ever created. Even more so than number 16. Like, does it even have a genre? Wikipedia says horror, but honestly some parts of Safe Haven were scarier than this entire movie. Since horror’s out, I don’t know what it could be. Are we staring at a new genre here? Is this the face of genre-less film?

No. Even worse. It’s the Amanda Bynes of film. 

16. Movie 43

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Obviously. I mean, Episode 43 could scar young children for life. Hey white girls on twitter, I dare you to watch Josh Duhamel’s sketch at the very end of this episode, then tell me he’s #blessed.

This… roll of film was a series of sketches acted out by a bunch of A-, B-, C-, or Z-list celebrities willingly or not. I feel more certain of the existence of a genre in this one than with The Last Exorcism, but that genre is not comedy. I told you I’ve seen some pretty bad horror movies this year, but this one easily takes the cake.

By the way the dare from my original review still stands. I dare you all to go see this and get back to me how you feel about it.

Typing on a keyboard through tears is difficult, trust me I know. I suffer for my art. But that’s why this list exists. Check back tomorrow* for when I rank the better 6! And for the lazy people:

  1. ???
  2. ???
  3. ???
  4. ???
  5. ???
  6. ???
  7. Oblivion
  8. 42
  9. Dark Skies
  10. Oz the Great and Powerful
  11. The Croods
  12. Side Effects
  13. Spring Breakers
  14. Safe Haven…
  15. The Last Exorcism Part II
  16. Movie 43

* Whenever I feel like ranking them; may not necessarily mean “tomorrow”. I’m lazy and need direction. 

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About Logan Krum Movie Reviews

Hi. I’m Logan Krum, now going into my third year of studying journalism at Temple University. I created this blog to help create a portfolio of my work as an entertainment journalist and screenwriter. Though I usually disagree with the Tomato Meter, I hope you enjoy my thoughts on current pop culture movies. I can be contacted at logan.krum@gmail.com.

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