13 year olds and the movie theater: A rant
13 year olds and the movie theater: A rant
I’m usually chipper and delightful when I post here. I’ll try to remain so for this post, but this is a different kind of post. This is what I hope shall be a helpful guide for any 13 year old planning on venturing out to a movie theater anytime in the future. Anyone over the age of 13, beware: when you go out to see a movie on a night close to its release, you are not dropping $12 on just a ticket – you are also paying to hear the oh so clever and insightful commentary of the human subspecies we call ‘tweens.’
This is meant to educate anyone from the ages of ten to like fifteen (everyone in that age group usually looks the same to me) so, as tempting and deserved as it is, there will be no vulgar language used. It’s safe to let your child read. They need to know.
So, you’re 13 and you decide to go out and see a movie with some of your similarly aged friends. How original. Just kidding – it’s a good choice, if you’re properly prepared.
If I understand this age group adequately you’re all wearing your moms’ make up and are equipped with some sort of Abercrombie hoodie and Ugg boots. Your mom has dropped you off from her minivan outside the theater and you’re very excited to see this new PG-13 horror movie, mainly so you can show off to the whole world you are now old enough to get in. 30 new Facebook pictures of you and your friends in the lobby.
It’s okay because everyone has done this, or has at least committed some variant, I guess. In this case, our plucky group of tweens are all hyped up to see The House at the End of the Street, probably because “Katniss from The Hunger Games” is in it. They chatter excitedly about, I don’t know, boys, and how hard the spelling test earlier today was.
Here’s where the twist comes in: When you’re seated in the theater, and the lights dim and the picture begins, the chattering must stop. At all costs. It’s common courtesy. It’s the law of movie theaters.
Oh, but these tweens are special. See, this group of younguns is so totally hilarious, and they just want to show off how funny they are to everyone. They are giving the theater a blessing by broadcasting their commentary on every little detail of the movie they possibly can.
What they don’t know is, the world really doesn’t care what they think yet. Movie theaters seem to be the place everyone goes to gossip. Beyond explanation. But this fact is so.
The movie is ten minutes in and so far they have succeeded to cram in several hundred condescending, completely trivial remarks, but have failed to communicate anything with a pigment of intelligence or wit. An estimated five Facebook status updates, a dozen tweets, and a whopping twenty misused and wholly unoriginal hashtags have been sent between that group of six. Finally, a brave soul demands silence. Someone else in the theater tells these dangerous tweens to shut up, and the rest of the theater rejoices in silent mutual agreement.
Pop quiz. You’re the tweens who have been told to shut up. How should you react?
A) Throw a fit. Fit as many swear words as you can into one run on sentence insulting the intruder. When finished, turn around to friends and make an offended, I’m innocent, can you believe how rude this guy is? face. Gossip loudly.
B) Rant about how rude the movie audience is through Twitter. Angry tweets solve everything. There’s power in hashtags.
C) ACT LIKE AN ADULT AND SHUT UP.
D) A and B
Studies show an amazing 143% of 13 year olds will claim they choose C, because they are indeed adults and deserve to be treated as such, but in field studies will actually perform choice D.
Really. The whole reason I’m writing this is to say how horrible option A is. When someone tells you to be quiet in a movie theater, you deserve it. Just concede you were wrong and let everyone else in the theater get their money’s worth. You were already disrespectful enough. There is no need to make it worse by firing childish insults in return. Welcome to the real world, where no one cares what you think. Get used to it. And this is for the girl in the light blue hoodie and rattail hair bun: Jeremy isn’t texting you back because you’re boring to talk to and he, like most other people, probably doesn’t find you attractive. Get over it. Oh, and your Justin Bieber phone case made me vomit.
In the eternal words of my friend, “I didn’t pay $10 to listen to you comment on everything. Shut up.”
Sorry. I really needed to rant somewhere. Hope y’all feel me.
I mean, what do they think this is? Philadelphia?
And on a completely different note, not one, but two reviews coming hopefully this week. The House at the End of the Street and Dredd 3D. You asked, and I delivered. (No one really asked.) Check for them soon. Thanks for bearing with me!
PS: Why does my thumb look weird.
PSS: And the rest of me.